An Emotional Surfing Lesson

Jonathan Martensson wrote “Feelings are much like waves, we can’t stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf.”

In Perceptual Control Theory (PCT), behavior is described in terms of a negative feedback loop.  You record the world around you and within you as perceptions.  These perceptions are then compared to your desired perceptions (reference perceptions). Your actions are your attempts to reduce the discrepancy between the present state and the desired state.  When your perceptions closely match or exceed your desired state you may say you are happy, peaceful, joyful, excited, etc. Conversely, when your perceptions are far away from your desired state, you may say you are sad, angry, frustrated or something else.   You create the emotional waves within you. 

When you allow yourself to fully feel your emotions as they come, you tend to let them go easily.  When you resist they persist and you tend to suffer more.  You create both the feelings you love and those you hate.  Learn to treat your emotions as if they were your children.  There are times to ride the wave of the emotion to the shore, times to let it pass you by and watch it as it goes.  Letting the emotional waves turn into eddies that swirl around and around inside of you will leave you exhausted.  Learn to breath and go with the flow.

When someone around you is riding an especially strong emotional wave, avoid “dropping in.” "Dropping in" on someone refers to the act of dropping down in front of a surfer already riding the wave.  Someone dropping in can wallop the other person with his or her emotions and they may feel overwhelmed. When you are riding a strong emotional wave remember dropping in is considered bad form, try avoid dragging someone else into the surf along with you.

Learning how to manage these gaps is a big part of creating a sense of well-being. Being aware and recognizing the signal is the first step.  Then ask yourself:

1.    What is this feeling telling me?

2.    How do I want to feel?

3.    To feel how I want, what would I be thinking?

4.    To feel how I want to feel, what would I be doing?

5.    On a scale of 1-10 how ____ am I?

6.    If I could shift one-step closer in the direction I’d like to go, what would I need to think or do?

The more successfully you learn to surf, the waves of your emotions begin to calm and you can easily ride the smaller surf into the shore.