You Can't Make Them

I’ve always said the best training I had for working with adults was Jr. High School.  With every change initiative or innovation of which I have been a part I’ve learned we never really leave behind the social behaviors we adopted during our teenage years. Under pressure we revert back to our teenage years as easily as slipping on an icy road in the winter.  

Ironically as a change catalyst I often hear the phrase “But, we are all adults.” popping up when individuals are confronted with a challenging situation involving others.  In the back of my mind I find myself saying “So- what difference does that make!”  It’s as if people think because someone has reached a certain age they are now magically going to take on a whole new set of behaviors.  Believe me after 40+ years of working with people in transition it doesn’t really make one lick of difference how old you are.  You, and those around you will revert back to the behaviors you learned the last time you were in a similar situation- which is often those middle school years- unless you have shifted something at a higher level.  Age although it brings experience does not always bring wisdom.

I know this because I have spent countless hours listening to adults spewing the wisdom of a thirteen year old and wondering why others just can’t act the way they want them to. The answer is simple they don’t want to.  The other person has to want to and until they do nothing you say or do will make them act the way you want. Sure you can get someone to take on a different behavior for a short period of time by using a reward/punishment.  However the minute the incentive or threat is gone the vast majority will revert back to their comfort zone.  You know this if you have ever driven any long distances.  Drivers will be speeding down the road and all of a sudden all traffic will slow down and up ahead there is a law enforcement officer.  Once past the officer traffic will slowly creep back up. Why – because deep down we want to drive the speed we want to drive and still feel safe. 

To become a catalyst for change accepting that you can’t make people do something they don’t want to do - regardless of age- is the first step towards success. Recognizing that you will be confronted with a plethora of teenage behaviors is a bonus.